The single person
fifth week
Season 27
Episode 5
Editor’s Note
Photo: Craig Sjodin/ABC
The year? 2023. The place? London, England. A hotel room full of women lying on sofas. Suddenly, a silent bomb explodes. Their faces turn into expressions of intense distress. Tears silently slip down their cheeks. Someone moans in the background. Another runs away, begging not to be heard. The women – except for one brave soul – begin to avoid a certain hotel room for fear of being contaminated.
Is it The last of us? No it’s The single person.
“___ tested positive for COVID” are words that each of us have heard many times over the past three years. Yet when they are said on The single person, it is as if the pandemic had started again. Such explosive reactions have not been seen since March 2020. Charity is one-on-one? Canceled! The date of the group? A shell of what it should have been. But we rented the Park Plaza Westminster Bridge for a week and a week only so we have to persist. We have to end this farce of a virtual cocktail, this masquerade of a virtual rose ceremony.
Does this episode deserve four out of five stars? Probably not. But did watching Zach send women home via a giant TV screen make me laugh the most in a long time? Absolutely! Let’s go.
The contestants land in London, and Zach kicks off our early countdown when he launches into a “Pip pip, cheerio!” But I’ll admit it: at this point, I’m starting to warm up with Zach. I’m sorry, The single personSean Lowe’s propaganda worked on me! He grinds his teeth and kisses her! He really wants a best friend! He’s just a guy who loves family, football and frozen pizza! Help, I officially have Stockholm Syndrome.
There are only 11 candidates left, and when will This arrive? As the first one-on-one rolls around, we’ve heard at least nine poorly executed British accents, and Zach admits he’s already checked a few pubs, which is likely where he got COVID in first place. Greer says she really wants this one-on-one because she really likes tea; in fact, she loves it so much that she has an extremely blurry tattoo of a teacup on her arm (more on that later). Naturally, she doesn’t get the one-on-one, and it goes to Gabi, a maple syrup lover and avoidance of shellfish.
Gabi’s head-to-head is Britain’s take on the classic A pretty woman date. Gabi and Zach get caught in a Rolls Royce with a built-in champagne bucket! She is trying on fancy dresses! They smell what Winston Churchill smelled! This date is really like winning the Bachelor lottery. Brooklyn was doused in mud last week, while Gabi tests out a century-old tiara. It makes it all the more ironic when Greer later says that date would have “matched his personality,” because yes, whose personality would not did he match?
But with that extra-special date comes the requisite hotel room walk of shame alongside a seemingly endless number of shopping bags. The girls froth at the mouth, that’s what the producers wanted. With each new pair of diamond earrings or Jimmy Choos that opens, a new vein forms in Greer’s head. But it all goes really wrong when a new date card comes with Gabi’s Cinderella dress. When she walks out crying, Gabi quickly says, “I don’t want to brag!” Gabi, you’ve been unboxing cashmere sweaters for the past half hour – just embrace the bragging.
Charity now comforts Greer as she cries in the hallway. Greer explains that this would have been the perfect date for her (and her “Keep Calm and Carry On” type tattoo) because her family comes together through tea. I should note that tea was involved in this date for, like, a split second between corgi cuddles, and, sorry, Greer, that’s not exactly a rare drink! Nevertheless, as Charity reminds him that everyone would have liked this date, Gabi arrives with her thousands of bags and tells Greer that all this crying is blocking the door of her hotel room. Gabi has to make it to the second part of her date, and her dress can’t be stained with tears!
During dinner, Gabi explains that this date meant a lot to her as she struggled with body image issues in the past, and Zach made her feel beautiful without a mirror. She gets the rose and they dance to a jazzy version of “Can’t Help Falling In Love”. I’m calling her right now: if she wins, her Instagram caption will read “My King” with a crown emoji. Listen to me carefully!
The next day, it’s time for the group date, but there’s only one problem: Zach, the subject of this group date, isn’t here. A butler announces he’s not feeling well, and there’s a whole bunch of shots of Zach blowing his nose to punctuate that point. But, to get airtime, the girls still have to go to the group date. Hooray!
Cut to: Depressed women on a double-decker bus. The distraught women during the bagpipe serenade. Even a sponsored pint won’t cheer them up. They just don’t know what to do! What is The single person without the bachelor? Is it right THE??? Fortunately, a local bartender who is absolutely not a paid actor cheers them up by asking about Zach, and they start having fun. They cram themselves into a phone booth! They’re twerking for the King’s Guard! A definite plus of this drama-free season is that the girls can just act awkward and be themselves, and it doesn’t feel unnatural at all.
Unfortunately, they are brought back to Earth when another butler tells them that Zach is still too sick to join them for the night portion of the group date. The ridiculous B-roll has now shifted to Zach sipping on a small cup and writing in a huge journal. At least we’re done with the pictures of him showering!
The next morning, Jesse tells the girls what we all already knew: Zach has COVID. The Poor Charity one-on-one is called off, and the producers are trying to figure out what to do as they have to vacate the venue before the Women in Cybersecurity conference takes over Park Plaza Westminster Bridge this Thursday. But while the other women are busy acting like Zach is on his deathbed, Kaity focuses on the game. In one absolutely winning play, she prepares Zach a gift basket with London-themed tchotchkes, and the two chat through the door as the producers reminisce about their greatest hits. THIS IS HOW YOU WIN THE GAME OF ROSES PEOPLE!! At the end of this little segment, Zach grabs the basket in the hallway, and his disembodied hand looks like Thing from Wednesday.
Zach vlogs from his bedroom that he’s feeling better and tells us that despite, you know, the mandatory quarantinehe needs see women. This raises a key issue, namely, how is Zach going to get along with them via Zoom?? What will they do? Talk??? I’m pretty sure there are a few women he didn’t say more than four words to; they just kissed in various exotic places!!!
It’s true: Zach makes a virtual cocktail. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help but laugh throughout this segment. Will there be breakout rooms? The girls practically burst in and say, “Can I steal a second from you?” Unfortunately, a “virtual cocktail party” just means the girls take turns with an iPad like toddlers whose mother regulates their screen time. But I still have so, so many questions. Do the producers tell them to leave via the chat function? What if the screen is lagging? Does it waste their time? And why hasn’t anyone put Zach in a cat filter or something crazy?? And, in case you were worried, Zach finds ways to virtually kiss Kat and Aly. You won’t stop it!!!
But, again, everything deviates when we get to Greer. After talking about Zach’s feelings, Greer says she can relate because she contracted COVID at the end of a sales quarter. Clearly, the quarantine days have taken their toll on our normally good-natured bachelor, as Zach immediately tells her that finding a wife and trying to hit a sales target are two wildly different things. Greer starts to ramble, and it’s all done right SO much more annoying on Zoom. I really think Greer was just trying to identify with him, but even first and foremost, you know, defending blackface, she did poorly in the premiere when she bragged that her parents and both grandparent sets are still together – as if it had anything to do with Greer herself. This girl has a case of foot and mouth disease, and it’s terminal!!!
Now it’s time for virtual rose ceremony. Yes, you read that right. I’m sorry, but can you imagine the pure embarrassment to be sent home via the Zoom call? You don’t even get the dignity of a goodbye hug; Instead, you just have to watch Zach stare ominously from a giant screen like George Lopez in Sharkboy and Lavagirl. This all reminds me of the funniest and weirdest parts of 2020 – there’s a little record button flashing in the corner of Zach’s screen, and everyone keeps laughing trying to make him laugh. air hugs. Nonetheless, Kaity, Charity, Aly, Kat, Brooklyn, Jess, Ariel, and Greer receive roses, which means Mercedes and Kylee are going home. The curse of drama has come for Kylee; Watch out, Greer!
It’s time for the mid-season trailer. Not only Charity Finally get it one-on-one, but Zach is apparently sleeping with Brooklyn, and no during the fantasy sequels?? Maybe there is still hope for this season!
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